My mother does not like my wife, which has led to me leaving home and living with my wife in her parents’ home. What should I do?.
Praise be to Allaah.
It is not essential for you to live with your family, rather it may be better for you and your wife and your mother for you to live with your wife outside your parents’ house. In most cases the one who lives with his family – or even close to them – will not have a problem-free life. Wise people who measure things against the standards of sharee’ah and wisdom are very few, especially among women because of the jealousy and competition that exists among them.
Your living away from your family may set things straight between your mother and your wife. Distance is a bonus in many cases, so there is no need to worry. You may see something as bad and feel distressed because of it, then it turns out to be good. Your mother may begin to miss you and her grandchildren because of your being away from her, and her feelings may change towards your wife if she is out of sight and she only sees her occasionally. This is something that is tried and tested.
But if you want a solution to the cause of the problem, which is that your mother does not like your wife, you have to look for the reasons why she does not like her and find out what is stopping her from liking her. These may be some of the reasons why your mother does not like your wife:
1- Mixing too much with her, which leads to too much talk, and the one who talks too much makes too many slips of the tongue.
2- Jealousy of your wife and your love for her. This happens a great deal. You often see the husband’s mother being jealous of her son’s love for his wife and his responding to her wishes, and she thinks that this wife has taken her son from her.
3- Your wife’s bad treatment of your mother. Some wives do not treat their husbands’ mothers well, so they do not answer their requests or show them respect, which leads to many problems between them.
4- Your falling short with regard to your mother’s rights and not paying attention to your wife’s rights. The mother cannot hate her son, rather she tries to pick on something which she things is the cause of the problem, which is his wife, so she hates her.
These are some of the reasons which may make your mother dislike your wife. If you see that all or some of them are applicable in your case, then you must deal with it in a wise and good manner.
We advise you to take the following steps to create love between your mother and your wife:
1 – Live apart from your mother, and tell your mother that you are doing this even though you don’t want to, for her sake, so that your mother will not put pressure on herself and make herself ill.
2 – Advise your wife to send a lot of gifts to your mother, whether they are material things such as clothes, food etc, or intangible gifts such as sending salaams and asking after her health.
3 – Asking wise people whom your mother likes to intervene to change her mind about your wife. In this case outsiders may have a greater influence on the mother than her son and her husband.
We should point out that as you are no longer living with your mother, you should try find separate accommodation for yourself that is separate from your wife’s family too. Perhaps your moving in with them has deepened the rift between the two sides. Moreover it is not usually a good thing in establishing a marriage and it may have a negative effect on the couple’s life.
Do not forget to pray to Allaah and ask Him to guide all of you to that which He loves and which pleases Him, and ask Allaah to reconcile everyone and bring them together. And to guide them to the best of words, deeds and attitudes.
And Allaah is the Source of strength.