I am a young woman who has been married for 3 months. I love my husband a great deal and he loves me, but unfortunately when there is a problem between us, I forget that love and I criticize him and scream in his face, and I hit myself and pray against myself, and I cannot seek refuge with Allaah from the accursed Shaytaan. My husband tries to calm me down but I do not respond to him and I cannot calm down until after yelling loudly. I promised my Lord that I would not scream in my husband’s face again, but unfortunately I could not keep the promise. What must I do towards my Lord and then towards my husband? Although I have apologized to him, I keep treating him in this way every time there is a problem. What is the solution, after turning to my Lord? I do not want to keep behaving like this. I pray and fast and read Qur’aan, but I am very hot-tempered and do not have a good attitude. In the past I was disobedient towards my parents, but I have repented and they are pleased with me. Is this a punishment from Allaah or what?.
Praise be to Allaah.
We ask Allaah to bless you with patience, calmness and a good
attitude, and to increase the love that exists between you and your
What is prescribed in Islam is for the spouses to interact in
a manner that will create love and strengthen the marital bond; each of them
should avoid raising their voices to the other, or treating the other in a
way that he or she dislikes, because Allaah, may He be glorified and
exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“and live with them honourably”
She should not raise her voice to him because Allaah, may
He be glorified and exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as
regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as
regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree
(of responsibility) over them”
But the husband should deal with the matter in the way that
is better, so as not to make the conflict worse.
End quote from Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah, 19/247
You should understand
that you are at the beginning of your married life. What you have mentioned
about screaming, being angry and praying against yourself are things that
are not appropriate under any circumstances, and they are not appropriate at
this stage in life in particular. That may put your husband off you, and
make him regret having married you, and the way he treats you may change, so
beware of doing again what you have mentioned here.
Anger may be remedied in several ways:
1 – Seeking refuge with Allaah from the accursed Shaytaan
when feeling angry.
2 – Changing one’s posture when feeling angry, so if you are
standing, then sit down.
3 – Keeping in mind the reward for patience, forbearance and
restraining your anger, for that is the characteristic of the pious who are
See also question no. 70235
It is not permissible for a person to pray against himself,
because of the hadeeth narrated by Muslim (920) from Umm Salamah (may Allaah
be pleased with her), according to which the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do not pray for anything but good
for yourselves, for the angels say ameen to whatever you say.”
Muslim (3014) also narrated from Jaabir (may Allaah be
pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) said: “Do not pray against yourselves, do not pray against your
children, and do not pray against your wealth, lest your request coincides
with a time when a response is granted.”
A man may bring evil upon himself and his children, because
of his du’aa’ and bad words.
If you promised Allaah that you would not scream at your
husband, then you broke this promise, you have to offer kafaarat yameen
(expiation for breaking a oath), because a promise is like a oath according
to the majority of scholars. Al-Zuhri (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
Whoever makes a promise to Allaah then breaks it, must give in charity that
which Allaah has enjoined in the case of a broken oath. Quoted in
al-Mudawwamah, 1/580. And he said: This was the view of Ibn ‘Abbaas,
‘Ata’ ibn Abi Rabaah and Yahya ibn Sa’eed. End quote.
See also question no. 20419.
The expiation for breaking a vow is to free a slave, or to
feed or clothe ten poor persons. Whoever cannot do that must fast for three
days, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Allaah will not punish you for what is unintentional in
your oaths, but He will punish you for your deliberate oaths; for its
expiation (a deliberate oath) feed ten Masaakeen (poor persons), on a scale
of the average of that with which you feed your own families, or clothe them
or manumit a slave. But whosoever cannot afford (that), then he should fast
for three days. That is the expiation for the oaths when you have sworn. And
protect your oaths (i.e. do not swear much). Thus Allaah makes clear to you
His Ayaat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.)
that you may be grateful”
With regard to your disobeying your parents in the past,
Allaah will not punish anyone for a sin from which he has repented. If you
have repented sincerely and your parents have forgiven you, then Allaah
accepts His slave’s repentance when he turns to Him. The Prophet (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The one who repents from sin is
like one who did not sin at all.” Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 4250; classed as
hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah.
And Allaah knows best.